A first year's guide to failing | How To

In South Africa, it is that time of year where the lucky 1 percent of our country is experiencing the start of a crucial life experience: their first year of University. As someone who has "been there, done that" I have some valuable tips that may help you in your (most probably unintentional) feat to fail your first year.

**WARNING: this post may contain dangerous amounts of sarcasm. Please proceed with caution.

Credit to Gabriella

1. Don’t go to lectures/classes. Rely solely on what’s in your store-bought textbook, on the internet or in your friend’s notes.
2. If you do go to lectures/classes, try to sleep through them as much as possible. That way you’re catching up on enough sleep to complete steps 3 & 4
3. Party every single Friday, Saturday and student special night.
4. Stay up all night watching movies, TV or on tumblr. Don't be disciplined. Self-government is a pointless thing to learn anyway. 
5. Get high a lot. And make friends with people who get high a lot.
6. Get addicted to something that costs the majority (if not all) of your allowance.
7. Only study the night before or even the morning of big tests and exams
8. Never go the extra mile, only to the bare minimum. Meeting sub-minimum requirements is all that matters.
9. Rely on that one really nice friend of yours to take notes for you in class and use them for their study notes too...don’t worry, they won’t drop you just before exams.
10. Blame your crappy marks on everything and everyone but yourself. Being honest never gets you anywhere.
11. Definitely don’t try to find a balance between academics and the rest of your life.
12. Focus solely on how many days are left until vacation and how homesick you are.
13. Occupy yourself with impressing the opposite sex. You need to spend at least 70% of your week doing this.
14. Oh, wait! You need to spend at least 70% of your week wasted. Or high. Or both. Preferably both.
15. Do not, under any circumstances, spend any amount of time on trying to grasp time management  prioritisation or goal setting.
16. Mal-nourishment is fiiiine! You need the money for booze anyway.
17. Do not motivate yourself. Ever. And don’t spend any time trying to figure out how to motivate yourself because, like I said, you never need to motivate yourself. And don’t befriend people who are self-motivated. Stay far away from them...they might just influence you.
18. Never be proactive. Complacency is key. No one likes driven people anyway.
19. Sleep around. As much as possible. STDs and STIs are so rare. And date rape is obsolete. And getting a reputation on campus will have no affect on your academics.
20. And lastly, do not have the willingness to learn.